ain't too proud to beg...

Today I turn 40...
& I'm still not a superhero.
Please help me~

for the blogger who has everything...

Hey kids-

This angst funnyman's gonna' be 40 next week (egads!), so if you wanna' get yer favorite blogger a lil' somethin'-somethin' for all these years (okay- months) of entertaining you folks, you could simply fulfill my lifelong dream~

Seriously, how freakin' cool is this Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co., "online purveyors of high quality crimefighting merchandise"?!

It is indeed a real store in Brooklyn that does indeed sell supplies to Superheroes (& yes, it does screen out any & all super-villians); It is also the brainchild of the uber-talented Dave Eggers & all proceeds from heroic goods go to support 826, the wonderful community writing center for youth.
I especially dig the Vapor Blaster just so's you know...

captain america (as represented by robt seda-schreiber) v. stephen colbert

This morning, Stephen Colbert, host of "The Colbert Report" & right-wing alter ego of Stephen Colbert, will be served with a legal document called a writ of replevin.
A writ of replevin is a prejudgment process ordering the seizure or attachment of alleged illegally taken or wrongfully withheld property to be held by a designated official, under order and supervision of the court. This type of writ is commonly used to take property from an individual wrongfully in possession of it and return it to its rightful owner.
In 2007, upon the supposed "death" of Captain America, his shield was given to Mr. Colbert by Marvel Comics Editor-in-Chief, Joe Quesada.
As I am sure comes as no surprise to anyone, Captain America, aka Steve Rogers, has returned (“reborn” if you will) from his supposed death. More to the point, reports of his death were greatly exaggerated in the first place. It was under this false pretense that Mr. Colbert was “bequeathed” said shield, so it would follow that the good Captain’s shield be returned to him post-haste. I bring this legal action in his name, with the help of my brilliant & beautiful lawyer-wife.
Now being a poor schoolteacher myself, I am willing to negotiate with Mr. Colbert. I would think he would like to keep Captain America’s shield in his so-called “Eagle’s Nest” & I am willing to discuss terms by which he could do so.
I truly hope that we will be able to reach an amicable & fair agreement & we can settle this before it becomes an ugly & embarrassing courtroom spectacle.
I will let you, my dear readers, know of any & all progress as it occurs.
For now, here is a copy of the aforementioned writ of replevin for your perusal:

click to embiggen

my secret history with batgirl...

A mound of dirt was like Nirvana for the little guys. At my prodding, they could wrassle, fistfight & generally cause each other great bodily harm at the top of a pile of mud or gravel that was to us a few feet high, but to them a mountain as grand as Everest or Fuji, & woe to the loser of that epic battle who would tumble down that treacherous slope to the merciless pavement below.
The little guys were so called because of the lack of a better name. My eight-year-old world would literally be torn asunder & my very character would be shaken to its core if somebody dared to call them dolls. They were, at the very least, action figures: six & a half inches of plastic (fully poseable, mind you) molded & clothed to resemble heroes & villains such as Spider-Man, Batman, that bug-eyed alien from Star Trek, & my personal favorite, The Lizard. They had cars & helicopters, guns & swords, headquarters & halls of justice &, of course, cool outfits- costumes, actually.
I had one person with whom I played with the little guys, but not very often. The fantasy of maneuvering these superheroes & the tenuous reality it created was best achieved alone. Group consensus was a hindrance to the very process of imagining this mini-universe. There were two huge advantages to having a playmate though. The first being the fact that he was younger than me & therefore easily manipulated, so I got the pick of the best toys (“No, no, really, trust me… The Falcon is much cooler than Shazam!”) & I could dictate the course of action for our little guys like an action figure-hoarding Naploeon. The second advantage & it was a much bigger one, believe me, was that he actually had Batgirl.
At the pre-pubescent age of eight, I knew I had a certain interest in Batgirl, & although I didn't quite understand it, quite a curiosity as well. I also knew, but again without knowing why, that having her as part of my collection was inherently wrong. I'd like to think that it was simply that she was female & her so-called "action figure", because of her gender, strayed much closer to "doll" territory. But, alas & alack, I know now, as I had an inkling then, Batgirl was simply verboten. My younger playmate must've had this unrecognized knowledge as well~ he always brought her over in a brown paper bag, unlike the other toys he would carry willy-nilly in a bundle-ful the long five house walk from his to mine.
We never did anything remotely untoward with Batgirl. Perhaps she may have innocently paired up with Shazam or Superman, but our fingers never wandered & we never explored what was under her bat-symbol. Her honor was maintained & her costume stayed on. But she certainly changed the dynamic with her high-heeled boots & red billowing hair. Simply her presence in that musty previously boys-only little club made the whole experience just a little bit better. I look back to those basement battles with great affection & just a little bit of confusion.
In high school, I would have a different kind of playdate in that same basement with real live actual girls. I look back on those experiences with the same affection & confusion.
But that's a different post entirely...